2 posts tagged “rain”
What's making you smile today?
In other news, Harry and the Potters show on Tuesday!
Chuck just left. He had some housing-check-out meeting to go to because his last day of class is next Wednesday. We spent the entire weekend together: Friday night we saw Brigadoon, and the rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. On Saturday we ventured out for free breakfast and to see my mother, but the majority was composed of napping and downloaded movies and video games. We also sat outside (it was a wonderful day) and trimmed his beard. When I left the birds all of the trimmings, I was the happiest woman among women.
I've never done this before. This is my first relationship and I'm not very good at it: I get frustrated and blame him for everything and stay up late at night and don't go to school.. and I'm sure it's not healthy that we spend so much time together. He neglects his family, I neglect what other friends I have but I just can't help it. I'm one of those people you look down upon because they think they're so in love with someone and they want to spend the rest of their lives with that person. But what do they know? They don't know what real love is, or what real life is like. They're young: how could they possibly understand true love? Is true love even the goal? Or, perhaps, it's someone that you're compatible enough with to be able to tolerate each other for the rest of your lives. I feel like a hypocrite. I criticize others for the exact same thing I'm doing.. but I'm so convinced as to not be worried about it. I'm not worried! I honestly feel as though I could live the rest of my life with someone and be completely happy at the grand old age of eighteen. I try and try and try to find flaws, but the repeated analysis just strengthens my initial hypothesis.
I don't want anyone else. I want to stay shut up in my room with him, reveling in each other like we always do. I want to talk about his childhood, I want him to tell me stories like he always does before we finally go to sleep at night; I want to hear more and more and more and I don't want anything else. It hurts me because I just can't make myself care much about anything else. I don't want to spend time with them because I could spend time with him. It hurts them, which in turn, makes me wish I didn't have to hurt them.. but I'm not sorry.
Maybe it's because my existence is a Camellia sinensis plant and he is a farmer. Dirty, unrefined, yet true to the nature of the plant. He can touch it in its natural state. To other people, the leaves have been dried, put in tea bags, and then filtered over water to be processed. I feel as though I have to refine my emotions to make them understandable because, as we all know, when someone doesn't understand something (or want to understand it) they take it the wrong way. I feel like a liar but at the same time I'm just frightened. I've tried in the past to just be honest but someone gets hurt and it's always me. But, if I can just hold back those feelings, it won't be as bad. They'll understand. They won't be intimidated or offended and I won't be hurt by their judgment.
What is the point of writing this? My own shameless guilt because I feel like I've been neglecting my friends who just want my love but, at the same time, expect me to act and think in a certain way that has been making me feel increasingly uncomfortable. But it's really not their fault; it's mine own, for putting up such a facade in the first place as an easy way to deal with anxiety.
It's a really pretty day today, too. It's raining, but the contrast with the green of the trees surrounding my house and the gray of the overcast sky is inspiring. Although I personally don't like having to do my daily commute in the rain, I know it feels so wonderful for the drought-stricken earth that it feels wonderful for me, too. I want to just curl up under the $2 fleece blanket I got at Walgreens, watch a movie, and eat some ice cream. You know, one of those pints of Ben and Jerry's that makes you feel awful after finishing because it's like the total recommended daily value of calories for one day. Or, maybe, some Soy Delicious. That way, it's the same amount of fat and calories, but less suffering.
